Orphan (2009)

PLOT:

The story follows Kate (remember her from “The Departed?” You know, the only female?) as she struggles to fill the void created in her womb and life by her recent miscarriage. She and her charming architect husband (Peter Sarsgaard) decide to adopt a blatantly terrifying orphan named Esther who speaks in a thick Russian accent, wears spooky ribbons around her wrists and neck at all times and draws disturbing pictures. Rule one of creepy kids: they must draw creepy pictures.

Ignoring these red flags, the hapless couple brings Esther home where they attempt to integrate her into their family, consisting of a floppy-haired tween boy and a tiny blond deaf girl who looks like Firestarter minus the evil glare. It isn’t long before Esther’s inherent creepiness begins to shine through: she breaks another girl’s leg on the playground, threatens her new siblings and seems a little too fond of her new dad. Her mischief escalates a bit when she murders a kindly nun who looks like Candyman in drag. Kate begins to catch on, but somehow no one believes her, despite the fact that Esther sounds like a villain from a James Bond movie. As she continues to knock people off and hit on her dad we learn her terrible secret. I’m not going to spoil it, but if you’re hoping like I was that she is actually a tiny zombie and that the creepy ribbon around her neck is holding on her severed head, I gotta tell you you’re in for a major disappointment.

SCORING:

  • Ambition – 3

Little kids are creepy, we get it.

  • Presentability – 6

Nothing too useful. But it’s fun screaming at the screen as the parents ignore the kid’s blatent evilness.

  • Sex and Violence – 8

High marks for innovative uses of incest and pedophilia. Very awkward watching a dolled up 11-year-old hit on Peter Sarsgaard. Could have used some more creativity with the murder though, mostly knives and hammers.

  • Performances – 8

That kid is going places, like rehab, but then on to a successful career as a vampy Russian slut. She was great. The two adult leads weren’t bad either.

  • Datability – 2

This creepy kid movie could have been made at any time, just with less iphones in it.

  • Script – 5

Pretty weak. Most of the best lines are in sign language, which is never a good sign.

  • Relevance – 5

Adoption is a sin.

  • Originality – 3

Oh, are you trying to say that little kids are creepy? Thank you, that wasn’t clear already. Oh and Russians are bad too? Groundbreaking.

  • Cinematography – 5

They do this black light thing to reveal her “dark side” that would have been pretty cool in 1998 when black light was cool.

  • Production Design – 6

He’s a successful architect and they live in a cool-ass house littered with Iphones. Bonus points for dressing up the little girl sluttily enough to make me feel bad about myself.

TOTAL: 51

Changing an old person’s diaper: terrible, but necessary.

FOOD TO SERVE:

Black Russians in baby bottles.

MOVIE EXPRESSED AS A LIMERICK:

A woman who couldn’t have babies
Adopted a Russian with rabies
She was blatently bad
And hit on her dad
Met her siblings and said: “I’ll slay these.”

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~ by mgjk on January 3, 2010.

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