Santa’s Slay (2005)

PLOT:

Santa (wrestler Bill Goldberg) is a demon from hell that lost a bet with an angel during a curling match (?!) a thousand years ago, and now he’s back to wreak havoc on the human race and get revenge on said angel. It’s up to Nicky, an adolescent boy who lives with his crazy grandpa (why do so many bad movies have crazy grandpas?) and his maybe-girlfriend to put a stop to Santa’s rampage and send him back to hell forever.

SCORING:

  • Ambition – 1

Santa’s Slay is a piece of crap christmas cash-in movie. It was really just a poor excuse to put a wrestler in a Santa suit, WHICH HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE, by the only wrestler who matters, Hulk Hogan, in Santa with Muscles (a FAR more entertaining and authentically campy piece of crap christmas cash-in movie).

  • Presentability – 4

Christmas, wrestling, and a prominent Jewish deli make for a fairly simple to put together presentation. Unfortunately, when I watched it with my crappy movie club, there was only one blow-up punching bag with the wrestler’s image on it, and it was in Milwaukee. Having something to punch would have done a lot for my level of enjoyment.

  • Sex/Violence – 2

Very little sex to speak of; there is a generic strip club scene, and Nicky helps his maybe-girlfriend crawl through a window by pushing on her boobs for some reason. As for violence, it was all the same kind of theatrical crap you see in a wrestling ring, with the one notable exception of a death-by-minora scene in the Jewish deli.

  • Performances – 2

It is true that modern wrestling is an act, but that does not mean that wrestlers are at all capable of delivering lines believably.

  • Datability – 1

It’s difficult to accurately score recently made movies in this category because one never knows what will end up being hilariously outdated in the future. However, I feel totally comfortable giving this movie a low score. It really had nothing going for it.

  • Script – 1

This was not a well-written script. It was absolutely riddled with lame, cringe-worthy “word play.” Now, I like a good pun once in awhile, but the nonstop barrage of TERRIBLE puns in the movie was inexcusable. Even the title is a stupid pun.

  • Relevance – 2

Santa is evil, and you should always listen to your crazy grandpa. Or something.

  • Originality – 1

I was going to give it a higher score for the whole ridiculous Nordic mythology aspect they tried to incorporate into the film, but then I remembered the shitty stop-motion animation rip-off of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Fuck this movie.

  • Cinematography – 2

It was decent quality-wise, but there was really nothing special or interesting about the camera work.

  • Production Design – 2

I liked Santa’s non-traditional hat, and his flying “hell deer” (actually some kind of albino buffalo) was, well, different.

  • Bonus Points – 2

I feel the need to give bonus points for a cameo appearance by Fran Drescher. I know, Fran Drescher sucks fat donkey cock and normally her appearance would be detrimental to a movie’s final score, but she’s only in it for 5 minutes and, most importantly, she gets lit on fire. It was seriously the ONLY gratifying part of the movie. So, 2 bonus points for the flaming Nanny.

TOTAL: 20

The movie equivalent of terminal colon cancer accompanied by persistent and profuse rectal bleeding. Yeah, that sounds about right.

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~ by mgjk on January 3, 2010.

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