Troll 2 (1992)

PLOT:

A young, over-enunciating boy named Joshua hears a tale about man-eating goblins from his kindly grandfather Seth, who retains the appearance and demeanor of Santa Claus despite turning out to be dead. Chastised for his persistent hallucinations, the boy accompanies his family on some sort of life-swapping weekend getaway to the small town of Nilbog, where the people are quaint, reclusive and blatantly evil. Raising awareness of their predicament proves challenging for young Joshua; his father and mother seem to exist in a state of permanent hesitancy while his sister is too distracted by her sporadic workout montages and her boyfriend who refuses to stop spending time (i.e. having gay sex) with his “friends.” Attempting to redeem himself, said BF and his RV full of gay-ass gay friends pursue the family to Nilbog, breaking new records in gayness as they go.

Explaining this movie scene for scene is too much of a head-fuck, but to make a long story short the town-folk turn out to be vegetarian goblins who further turn out to be midgets in brown sweat suits wearing 1-piece rubber masks. They try to trick the family into eating various forms of green food that will turn them into plants, and consequently into food for the goblins. Everybody involved is powerless to acknowledge or stop this plot, especially the gaytacular, butt-fucking gaggle of boys who are quickly turned into plants and eaten gayly. The only person capable of taking action appears to be Grandpa Seth, who blows up a goblin with a Molotov cocktail despite, as I mentioned, being dead. Joshua eventually convinces his family that they are in danger and they destroy the goblins’ all powerful “Stonehenge” by touching it (and with the help of a magical baloney sandwich). I have just confused myself in the process of explaining this movie. Suffice it to say that it does not end well for Joshua, and everybody learns an important lesson about why Italian directors should stick to westerns.

SCORING:

  • Ambition – 8

This movie is so mind-blowingly bad that the fact it was completed and released at all should be seen as exceedingly ambitious. Also, writing and shooting a movie is an ambitious way to learn English.

  • Presentability – 9

Almost perfectly designed to be made fun of, to the extent that they just released a feature length documentary making fun of it (“Best Bad Move”). Note: not to be attempted sober.

  • Sex/Violence – 8

Some very creative plant-related fatalities in this movie, although most of them usually end in an blur of goblin eating. Also an amazing sex scene involving an ear of corn.

  • Performances – 10

Truly masterfully bad. It’s hard to tell how much of the travesty is acting and how much is script, but the performances achieve that rare bad-movie nirvana of coming across as if the lines are being delivered phonetically with only a rudimentary understanding of their meaning (I call this “Ali Larterism”). Plus Deborah Reed gives the overacting performance of the year as the goblin’s witchy leader “Creedence Leonore Gielgud,” making Lon Chaney look like Ben Stein.

  • Datability – 7

While the movie claims to have been shot in 1992, the actors clearly got their costumes in 1987, the set was dressed in 1983, and the script was written before the invention of words.

  • Script – 10

This script is truly a work of bad movie genius. Written by the Italian director’s even more Italian wife, every line of dialog has a beautiful, nonsensical insanity to it.

There are so many so-bad-as-to-be-brilliant lines in the movie, but for my favorite I’m going to go with the second-in-command goblin’s vague pronouncement,

“We need some time for some things to happen!”

It’s like the writer looked up a hooky translation for “Now we will bide our time!” or something in an Italian-English dictionary and plugged it right into the script.

  • Relevance – 8

I loved the anti-vegetarianism message. You don’t see enough of that. Vegetarians can often be creepy and self righteous, and this movie takes that to its logical extreme.

  • Originality – 9

This sequel was so original that it refused to use anything at all from the first movie, including Trolls.

  • Cinematography – 7

Again, great ambition without the technical skill to accomplish it, like a retarded toddler applying to grad school.

  • Production Design – 6

It’s like they made only one trip to buy fake blood, and the store said “We’re out of red, but we have all this green” and they said “We’ll take it!” All the “scares” in this movie are done with dripping, bright chlorophyll green. The costumes couldn’t be cheaper, the sound cues more repetitive. And this might have only bugged me, but Grandpa Seth didn’t look the least bit dead. Not even for a minute.

TOTAL: 82
Taking a satisfying crap on something you hate. For example, Grandpa Seth might protest the goblins by taking a big meaty shit on a lettuce leaf.

FOOD TO SERVE:
Anything green. Anything. Baloney sandwiches for desert.

MOVIE EXPRESSED AS A HAIKU:
Boy moves to plant town
Dead Grandfather fights Goblins
Cast, crew die unloved

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~ by mgjk on January 3, 2010.

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