Troll (1986)

PLOT:

The original Troll is the second most popular story about a young boy named Harry Potter who wants to become a wizard. It follows the Potter family (Harry Sr. AND Jr.) as they move into a new apartment building. Their neighbors include Sonny Bono (a self-professed “swinger”), Julia Louis-Dreyfus (the sex object), a witch and a midget. How could this real estate get any more awesome you ask? What if there was a creepy Troll with a magic ring that lived in the basement? Yeah, that would do it. Upon their arrival the Troll kidnaps and assumes the form of the Potter’s young daughter. She begins acting evil, but not like creepy, scary evil, just really annoying like kids are normally. She begins to visit her neighbors one by one and transform them and their apartments into magical fairy creatures such as trolls, pixies and elves using her green-lantern-style magic ring.

Meanwhile Harry Jr. is learning the ways of magic at Hogwarts…I mean his witchy neighbor’s apartment. She reveals that she and the troll used to be lovers or something gross like that. They arm themselves with magic staffs and head of to rescue Hermione…I mean Harry’s sister. The apartment building is now a trippy forrest where they find Ms. Potter imprisoned in glass a la Snow White. They battle the Troll’s giant monster slave, but when a stray beam of light threatens to hit Harry’s sister, the Troll sacrifices himself rather than endanger the girl. The witch congratulates Harry on a job well done which is bullshit because all he did was put his sister in the way of the Troll who luckily turned out to be a huge pussy. Then she carves a lightning bold in his forehead and they fly off to England.

SCORING:

  • Ambition – 8

The creatures (puppets) are pretty impressive for the time period, and the effort put into the unending Troll sing-a-long should not be dismissed. However the ending is a pretty crucial cop-out, so it loses some points there.

  • Presentability – 8

I would imagine you could have a pretty great time drinking every time the kid introduces himself. It fact you could just do a whole Harry Potter theme and invite some nerds and then blow their minds by showing Troll instead of actual HP movies. Also a Troll Song sing-a-long is not out of the question.

  • Sex/Violence – 5

When Julia Louis Dreyfus is your sex object, you know you’re in trouble. Also I was largely disappointed by the violence wreaked by the Troll. There was little to no eating, clawing or mangling. It was pretty much all magic spells and gay-ass beams of light. Sonny Bono’s death is pretty gross though.

  • Performances – 6

Bone tears it up in this movie for the 20 minutes he’s on the screen. The kids are unsurprisingly terrible, but there’s a pretty enjoyable dance solo by Harry Potter Sr.

  • Datability – 8

The whole Harry Potter thing sets this film pretty firmly in the un-suable past. The presence of Dreyfus making an ass of herself dates it as pre-nineties. So yes, this is a pretty definitive 80s flick.

  • Script – 6

Like having all the Harry Potter books summed up for you by a puppet-loving retard.

  • Relevance – 6

Something about the persistent magic of the fairy world? The strength of belief? I don’t know, it was pretty weak.

  • Originality – 9

This guy may have created the most popular name of all time. AND he used it twice!

  • Cinematography – 7

Pretty unremarkable…the magical fairy world shots are nicely done, I guess.

  • Production Design – 7

Puppets: Good! Special light effects: So bad as to ruin any joy caused by the puppets.

TOTAL: 64

Like changing the dirty diaper of the midget in this movie while being hit on by Sonny Bono.

MOVIE EXPRESSED THROUGH TROLL SONG:
Walla wall jub gerr wally goo jog
bippy bo ber kicky koo
blurp blurp blurp blurp.
I got you babe.

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~ by mgjk on January 3, 2010.

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