Somewhere, Tomorrow (1983)

Sarah Jessica Parker has been taking a lot of criticism lately for her bizarre and at times offensive physical features. She was recently voted to be the Unsexiest Woman Alive by Maxim magazine, and both Family Guy and South Park have referred to her gruesome appearance in unflattering (yet extremely apt) terms. Thankfully in Somewhere, Tomorrow she is a much healthier looking and softer-featured teenager. Don’t get me wrong, the small fact that SJP is visually tolerable does not save this film. It would have made me nauseous even without her. Besides, there are plenty of disturbing moments where the lighting and the camera angle conspire to reveal hints of the creepy, unnatural turns her face will eventually take.

PLOT:

Lori (SJP) is a typical young girl who loves horses but hates her mom’s new boyfriend. One day as she’s out riding near her country home she witnesses a small plane crash and subsequently falls in love with the ghost of one the plane’s pilots. Of course she is the only one who can see and hear the ghost (Terry), which causes other people to hilariously misinterpret her behavior. Eventually Lori and Terry decide that his spirit must still be loitering around on Earth for some special reason, and in the process of discovering Terry’s purpose, Lori learns several valuable lessons and blossoms as a human being. And then I shoot myself in the face.

Somewhere, Tomorrow is a grotesque medley of invisible man slapstick and sappy Full House moments. The ending is particularly rude in that several times you’re lead to believe it’s over when it isn’t yet. Somebody drops an awkward “wrapping things up” line and the music swells and you think Thank fucking God, but no. It’s not over. You still have to sit through Sarah Jessica Parker singing a song about sunrises and togetherness to a room full of old people. You still have to swallow the inexcusably optimistic plot twist. And finally, you have to digest the film’s barftastic ending, which fairly oozes with hope for a brighter somewhere, tomorrow.

AMBITION: 3

This movie is like a touchy-feely after school special that, by forcing it’s unrealistically uplifting message down the throats of teenage girls, fills the void between the finger after breakfast and the post-dinner penis.

PRESENTABILITY: 1

There’s no good way to present Somewhere, Tomorrow, no entertaining method for easing the pain or enhancing it in the right kind of way. Honestly, if you’re going to make people watch it with you, the only humane thing to do would be to dole out earplugs and horse tranquilizers.

SEX/VIOLENCE: 2

The only scene that got any genuine laughs from our small audience involved Lori’s mother walking in on her and her ghost boyfriend maybe possibly about to fool around. It was funny because the mom couldn’t see the ghost boyfriend, and he’d just gotten out of the shower (because being a ghost is dirty business) so all Mom sees is her daughter clutching a bath towel in the shape of a butt. Other than that and a mercifully short scene where we see Lori in her bra there is very little overt reference to sex. As for violence, most Disney films have more.

PERFORMANCE: 2

Pretty mediocre across the board. Not even bad enough to mock well.

DATABILITY: 2

Lori has a few bad 80s sweaters, but the most dated thing about the whole movie is Sarah Jessica Parker herself. It’s strange to see her so young, before adulthood turned her into the bony, leather-skinned circus sideshow that she is today.

SCRIPT: 2

This movie damns itself script-wise before it even starts. “Somewhere, Tomorrow” is one of the worst movie titles I’ve ever heard. It elicits all kinds of false, mushy sentiments that make me feel squirmy and uncomfortable, like when I had to go talk about my feelings with the counselor in elementary school. Things don’t get much better after the opening credits. At least 50% of the script could have been lifted straight from inspirational posters. The other half was filled in by a script robot.

RELEVANCE: 5

There were a lot of annoying morals, but the one they snuck in right at the end was the worst and most misleading: You get second chances in life. That’s right up there with telling kids that their pets go to live on nice farms upstate.

ORIGINALITY: 2

I decided that predating Ghost is just enough to earn Somewhere, Tomorrow a couple points. I know that coming before other, more famous shitty ghost-lover movies is a weak indicator of originality, but hey, that’s all it’s got. It’s just a weak movie all around.

CINEMATOGRAPHY: 2

Also very weak.

PRODUCTION DESIGN: 2

Weak, weak, weak. It took intense physical effort to pay attention to this film. The camera quality was poor, the sets and costumes were bland, and the music was exactly what you’d expect from a movie with a title like a lame prom theme.

TOTAL: 23

Like severe constipation necessitating multiple enemas. Meanwhile, Sarah Jessica Parker gets it on with a horse

This movie told from the point of view  of Terry the ghost pilot:

“Me and my buddy Paul were both in the plane when it crashed. He made it, but I didn’t. At first I thought I was still alive, but then Sarah Jessica Parker appeared out of nowhere and started coming on to me. It was then that I realized I was dead, and this was hell.”

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~ by mgjk on April 1, 2010.

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